Messiness
My study is clean!! For most of this year my study has been a catch all space for all the stuff that couldn’t be stored elsewhere. The floorboards, the old dresser, the stuff that needs to be sorted, the piles of books. And I wiggled around it and rearranged it so it couldn’t be seen on zoom and I tried to work, but the mess weighed heavily.
When I had young kids our house was never clean. It was an unending war on stuff that I never quite managed to win. I was one more reason that I felt like a complete failure as a wife, and the near constant reminders reinforced this idea.
As my kids grew up and moved out and I gained my own space - space that was REALLY my own, I have become more focused on keeping my spaces clean - as much as I can. I notice the low level anxiety that mess creates. I notice the feeling of relief when everything is put away and stored in its own space. I notice the depression that sets in when I know that I don’t have the energy/time/resources to make sure all the spaces are free from clutter and disorder.
Please don’t hear me saying that I am good at keeping my house clean, or that it is spotless. I will never be the person who is able to achieve perfect cleanliness. It is an ever running battle for me. And there have been times when I have proudly shown off my clean house, only for someone to point out all the little things that make it not really clean. So today, I will just be thankful that the study is clean and hope that it helps clear up some mental space to get my thoughts in order, too.